Holding a space for grief

7 minute read

Grief seems to open the doors to endless advice from well-meaning friends and relatives. But sadly, our society has got it wrong. How can we make space for ourselves to grieve among so many strong opinions?

The universal facts of grief

There seem to be several things that happen almost without fail when you are grieving. The first is that you will feel completely exhausted. It’s the kind of tiredness you feel when you are ill - heavy, all-encompassing and a complete drain of all motivation and energy.

The second is that you are highly likely to have times when you question your sanity. As a mental health professional, I don’t say that lightly. The brain fog, confusion, total lack of ability to focus, sudden short-term memory issues and general feeling of being out of time often leave people feeling genuinely scared for their mental health.

The third is that it gets worse before it can even begin to get better. This is a really hard one to handle, particularly given how incredibly awful it feels in those early months. However, so many people report that they feel worse as the reality sinks in and the process of acceptance of the loss begins. I’m not saying this to terrify you, but rather to reassure anyone who is feeling this way that this is totally normal and to be expected.

You can also expect it to hurt in the body, as well as emotionally. It’s worth checking out any physical issues with your GP, and well worth keeping them up to date with how things are going anyway, but it is completely normal to experience a physical expression of grief. This could be aching, pain in joints, an intense lethargy, sensations of anxiety, headaches and appetite changes, to name a few.

Many people are comforted and reassured to know that these experiences are a totally normal part of grief, as it can be so frightening otherwise.

There is no right way to grieve

It never fails to sadden me how often people come to me feeling like they are somehow getting it wrong. Perhaps they have been told by well-meaning friends or relatives that it is “time to move on”, or even worse, that they “should not dwell on it”. Maybe family members are telling them that they should start sorting through their loved one’s clothes and possessions. For some, they will have been told they have sorted things too quickly, or are not expressing their pain enough.

If you take nothing else from this blog, please take away the message that it is really important that you are allowed to grieve in whatever way you need to. In fact, it is essential.

So often, people end up feeling that they have to push away or hide their pain, and put a “brave face on it”. This just adds to the exhaustion and leaves people feeling even more alone in their grief.

Some of us will feel a need to try to carry on with daily life and seek as much normality as we can. Others will just be wanting to hide away from the demands of life and be in their own space. Neither way is better than the other. In fact, some models of grief suggest that there is a place for both approaches, and that allowing yourself to move between them as needed can be a really supportive way of managing.

What can we learn from models of grief?

There are many different models of grief, which have helped to inform our understanding of the process of grief. However, it is really important that we don’t hold on rigidly to any model that we come across, as each loss is different and everyone will grieve in their own way.

The focus of bereavement therapy used to involve taking the energy that we have been investing in the relationship with the person who has died, and reinvesting it. These days, thankfully, theories have moved away from this largely unhelpful idea. Instead, there is understanding that the love we hold for that person does not end and, in many ways, neither does our relationship with them. We then shift our focus onto looking at ways in which we can keep the bond alive.

Many people have come across the stages of grief model (Kübler-Ross). While it is helpful to know that there are different stages within grief, it is now widely recognised that the linear nature of this model is far from the reality for most people.

For most of us, grief throws us into a chaotic tangle of emotions, being thrown from anger one minute, to despair the next.

Eventually, the process settles to some degree, and at this point, there begins a gradual, also non-linear, process of acceptance. It is then that people find they can begin to feel like they are living their life again, rather than endlessly going through the motions of life.

So how long should we expect this to last for?

Now there’s the million-dollar question… And it’s a red herring, I’m afraid. The simple answer to this is that there is no right (or wrong) timescale. This is another really classic thing that comes up again and again - well-meaning friends and relatives have made some comment about how long it’s been or that it’s time to “move on”. Sadly, this just highlights their lack of understanding and it is spectacularly unhelpful. If anyone has said this to you, please try to ignore it.

No one else has any idea of exactly what you are going through. Even if they have also suffered the death of loved ones, each experience is different.

Grief is a process and can not be rushed. It won’t be this bad forever, but the only way through it, is through it.

Seeking support in grief

So often, grief leaves us feeling isolated and alone. Sadly, the norm seems to be for us to be extremely awkward around grief and death. People don’t know what to say, so they either fall back on clichés, or say nothing at all.

Even within families, there is a tendency to avoid talking about the pain and loss, as we are often worried that we will “upset someone” by bringing it up. The really sad thing about this is that the other person is probably already upset, but also holding it in and keeping it to themselves, so as not to upset us. We then struggle on alone, on our own little islands of pain, rather than stepping into each other’s worlds and sharing some of the suffering.

We can even ask our loved ones if they are comfortable to talk about the person at that time, or if another time would be better. Or ask them if they have the emotional capacity to hear how we are and to talk about how they are. This way we can avoid inadvertently picking a bad time and give them the chance to let us know if they are not in the right place to talk about it.

Counselling is a really important source of support for many people who are grieving. It is a space where you don’t need to put on a mask and pretend to be OK. You don’t need to protect the counsellor from your pain, or worry about their grief. You can use the space in whatever way you need, whether that’s time to feel your pain in a supported environment, time to tell and retell the story of the death of your loved one, or to seek reassurance about how you are feeling.

The GP can also be a helpful source of support during grief. They may be able to refer you for talking therapy, or discuss with you whether it might be helpful to have the support of some medication.

Sadly, it is really common for people to wonder if they will be able to bear the intensity of their suffering, or perhaps to question whether they want to be alive without their loved one.

If you are struggling with thoughts of ending your life, please do reach out for support. I know you will have heard this so many times, but I have had the privilege of witnessing it first hand, time and time again - it does get easier. Please seek the support that you need to get you through the worst part. You can contact your GP and let them know that you are really struggling, you can call The Samaritans on 116 123, use Shout, the text message crisis service, by texting 25852, or if you are in immediate danger, please go straight to A&E or call 999.

Making a space for grief

So back to our starting question. How do we make space for grief and what does that involve? A big part of it is giving yourself permission to do it your way - not feeling pressurised by others to do things differently, or get caught up with what you think you “should” be doing.

Another key point is to actually give yourself time to grieve. This is often impossible to avoid in the earlier days, but as time goes on, we can get busy with all the necessary stuff of life, and find that it is not so easy to make time to feel the pain. Perhaps we are even avoiding feeling our grief, as it is so intensely painful and distressing.

There are loads of ideas for ways to create space and time to grieve. These include memory boxes, photo albums, going to a place that was precious to your loved one, writing them a letter, spending some time under the duvet, or even just taking yourself off for a walk.

Again, there is no right or wrong way to do this. As long as you are safe, managing to eat and drink, and reaching out for support when it all feels too hard, then you are doing the very best that you can do at the very hardest of times.

Feel free to get in touch if you would like to find out more about how counselling might be supportive for you, or to find out what availability I have.